I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
they call him Oral-B. enough said
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
