You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
