My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
