I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
