so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
