i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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