Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
