he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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