Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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