Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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