I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
