the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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