Are we in a gay sports bar?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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