dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
