after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
