I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
two words: eviction party
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
