my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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