My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
