Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
