I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize