Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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