In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
