Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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