The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
