Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
