I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
