If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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