he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
