I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
