Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
