dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
