8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
