Are we in a gay sports bar?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
