Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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