when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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