why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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