I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
