the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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