You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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