Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
