Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
