I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
