I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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