it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
