All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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