I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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