hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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