All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
