White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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