Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I deserve this hangover.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
