she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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