We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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