she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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