what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The Olympian is in my bed
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
