You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
