It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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