i think my mom watched the whole time
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
